


Clash At Congress

by Solar122



Category: Political RPF - US 21st c.
Genre: Comedy, F/M, Gun Violence, M/M, Other, Satire, The Force
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-13 02:48:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29644632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Solar122/pseuds/Solar122
Summary: Donald Trump hatches a scheme to blow up the 117th Congress during Joe Biden’s State of the Union Address, but things go down quickly when a shootout begins between the Democrats and Republicans. Meanwhile, George W. Bush and Dick Cheney crash a plane into the Rotunda and explore the Dark Side of the Force.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	1. The Plan

**Author's Note:**

> This is Satire.
> 
> I don't want any of this to happen.
> 
> Also, I think Al Quaeda did 9/11.

Mike Pence sat in his office chair, in his Indiana home, scrolling through erotic Garfield fanfictions on Wattpad, when his phone vibrated. He clicked out of his incognito tab, in case Mother checked his computer again. The last time she checked, she found his folder of Garfield porn and deleted all 100 Terabytes of it. He quickly picked up the call.

“Don’t worry, mom!” Mike screamed. “I was just reading the Bible.” 

“What?” Donald Trump’s voice poured out from the speaker.

“Oh hi, Donald.” Mike chuckled. 

“Mike, I just got some great news!”  
“What? Did the Senate acquit you?”

“Yeah, but I got even better news. Joe Biden’s doing his State of the Union Address soon in the House chamber. Sleepy Joe, that VP broad, the House, the Senate, leaders of the military, and the Supreme Court will all be in one single room!”

“And?”

“I got a plan to lock the doors and burn down the building! With the entire government inside!”

Mike’s jaw dropped to the floor. “And why would you do that?” he asked incredulously.

“To get revenge on those fuckers.” Donald seethed. “They’re the reason why we lost a second term, Mike. It’s obvious to everyone that the election was stolen-”

“And why should I join you?” Pence questioned.

“Because, you’re my VP, and my closest ally,” Donald admitted. “And even though you betrayed me by confirming Joe Biden as President, you’re all I got. Mainly because nobody else wants to work with me.”

Mike was about to hang up and call the police, but suddenly a flash of memories started pouring into his mind.

He remembered when he was a congressman himself, and all the other Representatives made a mockery of him. They laughed at him when he wished Garfield a happy birthday. They laughed at him when he wore a Garfield fursuit for Halloween, and they laughed at him when he said that he didn’t have a life without Garfield. This wasn’t about Trump or his crazy reasoning, this was about Garfield, the love of his life.

“Donald, you crazy son of a bitch, you know as hell that I’m in!”

Meanwhile in the Bush ranch at Crawford, George W. Bush sat in a comfortable armchair in his house, still fuming about the fact that United 93 failed to crash into the Democrat-controlled House of Representatives, and the fact that Congress refused to declare war on Iran, Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, Syria, Turkey, and all of the other countries in the Middle-East after Iraq. Then suddenly, he got an idea. Actually, it wasn’t just an idea, it was the best idea he ever had, even better than his plot to invade Iraq and steal all their oil. He quickly phoned his friend Dick Cheney, who was living in his volcano lair in Yellowstone.

“Hello?” a heavy voice answered the call. Bush could hear the methodical inhales and exhales coming from the ventilator inside Cheney’s Sith-like metal suit.

“Can you take off your helmet, Dick?” George asked.

Then, Bush found himself unable to breathe. An invisible hand clasped around his neck, shutting off his windpipe. He was slowly lifted into the air. After a few seconds, he fell back onto his armchair and his windpipe opened again.

“The helmet stays on,” Dick growled. “As well as the rest of the costume. Including the black cape.”

After gasping for breath for a few seconds, Bush composed himself.

“Dick, I got a plan, the best plan ever. We just need a plane.”

“A plane, you say?” Dick said. George could hear a lightsaber activating in the background, and he smiled. He was going to finish the work he had started all those years ago.

Joe Biden rapidly spooned the ice cream into his mouth. His hands were shaking as he anxiously sat behind the Resolute desk. He was going to do the State of the Union address in 24 hours. He had written a speech, and had it memorized, but immediately forgot it. Is this what Ronald Reagan had felt during his administration?

While the President was stress eating, the Vice President walked into the room. “Are you ready for your State of the Union Address?” she asked.

“I don’t know, Kamala.” Joe sighed. “I’m worried. I have no idea what I’m going to tell the American people.” Biden turned to the windows in the Oval Office, where the two could see a snowstorm rushing through DC. “Thousands are dying from COVID every day. Millions more are suffering from a lack of a stimulus. Racial tensions are still high. Violence and division is everywhere.” Joe leaned back in his chair. “The only thing that can calm me down is a nice whiff of your hair.”

“Not now, Joe.” Kamala sighed. “Remember what we do best.”

“Locking up black people for marijuana charges?” Biden guessed.

“That too. But also, you need to remember how we got here. We got through campaign hurdle after campaign hurdle, controversy after controversy. We persevered through everything, Joe. And God knows that the American people need some perseverance right now.” 

Biden rolled around her words in his head. Finally, he smiled. “You’re right, Kamala. I’ve been through worse. I can do this.”

“Now that’s my former Pre - I mean, President,” Kamala remarked. As she left the Oval Office, Biden stood up straight and read over his notes again.

Harris smiled to herself as she left the Oval Office. By the end of tomorrow, she would be the President of the United States.

Even before the State of the Union at the Capitol, security was extremely tight. There was a guard at every entry point, instead of just one guard in the entire building like there normally would be. An unmarked White Van swerved into the front of the Capitol, and a man and a woman exited. Donald Trump and Mike Pence, disguised as maintenance workers, climbed the steps to the top. Donald Trump had a white hat and white overalls, with a mustache drawn on the top of his lip with a yellow magic marker. Mike Pence had a long brown wig, fake eyelashes, and fake lipstick. 

“Donald, do I really have to be temporarily transgender for this plan to work?”

“Shush, Mike...er...chelle. Mikechelle.” Donald hushed. “It’ll do for now.”

“I’ve always wanted to see what it’s like to be a femboy anyway,” Mike grumbled.

As the two climbed up the steps to the Capitol, they were stopped by a member of the Secret Service, who stepped in their way.

“Are you authorized to enter the Capitol?” the man asked, his bald head shining in the sunset.

“Hello, Mark.” Donald greeted. “It’s me, the rightful President of the United States.”

“Who?” Mark asked, his eyebrow raised.

“Uhh I mean, my name is uh, John, and this is Mikechelle, and we’re here to uh, take a look at whatever you have in there.” Donald coughed.

“And why should we let you in?” Mark inquired.

“Because we are the maintenance guys,” Mike answered in his normal voice.

Donald turned to Mike, his face angry. “You don’t sound girly enough.” he hissed. “Do a period or something.”

“What’s a period?” Mike whispered back. “Christian school never taught me this.”

“Do you have any kind of ID?” Mark replied, cutting into their conversation.

Donald held out a piece of notebook paper, haphazardly torn out of a wide-ruled notebook, that had the words “Maintenance guys,” written in terrible handwriting at the top with red crayon.

Mark stared at the piece of paper for a few seconds.

“Oh, I’m sorry to keep you waiting, come on in,” Mark replied, stepping out of their way. As they stepped into the Capitol Building, Mike turned to Donald, shocked.

“How did you convince him?” Mike questioned. “I thought we were never gonna get in.”

A grin spread across Donald’s face. “If I can bullshit my way into the hearts of 70 million people, I can do it with one more.” he remarked.

Pence nodded, and the two of them headed toward the basement under the House chamber, with their tool boxes filled with Thermite.

George W. Bush and Dick Cheney stood in airport security at Jackson Hole Airport in Wyoming, as the TSA agent pretended to check them for weapons. Both of them were carrying Glock 17s, so they could hijack a plane. The TSA agent pulled out Bush’s handgun. “Sir, what is this?” he asked.

“Uhhh...gum?” Bush replied.

“Ok, here you go,” The TSA agent said, handing the gun back to the former president.

“And what’s this?” another TSA agent asked, holding up Cheney’s lightsaber. She activated it, and the laser blade burned a nearby plastic bin. The foul smell of burnt plastic arose in the air.

“That’s my vibrator, ma’am,” Cheney answered.

“Okay, looks like...WAIT A MINUTE!” The TSA agent screamed. Bush and Cheney looked at each other, knowing that they were going to get caught. 

“YOU CAN’T BRING LIQUIDS ON A PLANE!” she cried, waving the plastic water bottle that she found in Bush’s bag. 

“Uh oh, RUN!” Dick Cheney shouted, and the two of them started sprinting toward their Terminal.

The TSA agent yelled into an intercom. “We have a terrorist in security!” Soon a group of TSA agents with full-body armor and assault rifles chased them down.

“Stand back, George,” Dick said, holding up his Glock. He aimed his gun at the agents and fired, but his bullets flew into random bystanders instead of their intended target.

“There’s no time!” George yelled. The two ran towards the jet bridge, but they were stopped by two airport workers.

“Plane ticket, please?” one of them asked.

“Look!” George yelled, pointing towards a nearby window. “Weapons of mass destruction!” 

“Where?” the airport workers asked, rushing towards the window. When they realized that they were tricked, Bush and Cheney were already on the Delta Airlines flight.


	2. State of the Union

Joe Biden did a few deep breathing exercises outside of the entrance to the House of Representatives. He could hear the sound of Senators and Representatives alike shuffling inside the room, chatting. Soon, the Sergeant at Arms of the House of Representatives strolled towards him.  
“You ready, Mr. President?” he asked.  
“Yeah.” Biden responded. The Sergeant at Arms opened the doors to the House chamber and yelled   
“Madam Speaker, the President of the United States!”  
A roar of applause rose into the air as Joe Biden walked into the Chamber. He shook hands with the congressmen and women who were standing right beside him as he walked down the room towards the Speaker’s podium.  
Marjorie Taylor Greene was fuming, as she watched “President” Joe Biden walking down the aisle. She fidgeted with the gun in her purse, which she had managed to sneak past the metal detectors. It was given to her by a Capitol worker named John, who told her to use it when he gave her the signal so she could “escape the disaster.” and “join him.” When asked why, John’s friend Mikechelle explained that she was their only ally in Congress. John then tried to grab her genitals, which made her run away as quickly as possible.  
She didn’t want to use the gun on the “President” however. As she looked away from Biden, she turned to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who was seated right next to her. That Socialist bitch didn’t know what was coming. During the speech, she would pull out her gun, shoot AOC in the genitals, and then run for it. She didn’t care what happened to her afterwards. As long as Cortez couldn’t reproduce, and create more Socialists, she was fine with life in federal prison.  
Donald Trump was sitting in the visitor’s gallery of the House, watching as “President” Joe Biden stepped up to the Speaker’s podium. Hatred, as well as the McDonalds Kids Meal he had eaten a few hours ago, sat in his stomach. How did he do it? How did he steal the election? How did his coup fail? How did he lose to an animated corpse? As he pondered these questions in his head, Biden gave Vice President Harris and Speaker Pelosi copies of his speech in a manilla envelope.  
Once Joe Biden took the stage behind the podium and the applause died down, Pelosi yelled “I have the high privilege and distinct honor of presenting to you the President of the United States.” Applause rose in the chamber again, and Trump groaned. “This applause belongs to me, not Sleepy Joe” he thought. Mike Pence wasn’t here, as he was outside barricading the doors to the House Chamber. At least he would be able to watch as all of the Do-Nothing Democrats, and the Republicans-In-Name-Only who betrayed him burn on Earth, before burning in Hell.  
Meanwhile, thirty thousand feet in the air, George Bush was pacing around the airplane, making sure that all of the passengers were dead. Corpses lined the seats of both Economy and Business classes, everyone laced with lightsaber wounds, bullets or closed windpipes. He did another check on his parachute. They weren’t going to die with Congress, of course, as they would bail out at the last second.  
“I forgot how fun this was.” Dick exclaimed as he force choked a straggler.  
“Been a while, hasn’t it?” Bush remarked as he reloaded his glock. He walked into the cockpit and held both the pilot and co-pilot at gunpoint.  
“Don’t move.” Bush growled.  
The co-pilot stood up. “Was that why there were gunshots back there?” he asked.  
Before Bush could respond, Cheney walked into the cockpit. He flung the pilot and co-pilot out of a nearby passenger window. Bush then shut the door before the duo could get sucked out of the plane with them.   
“Alright Dick, since I was a member of the Air National Guard, and I know how to fly planes, I’ll fly the plane,” Bush said, sitting in the pilot seat and trying to remember how to operate the throttle. Cheney sat in the co-pilot’s seat, oiling his mechanical heart.  
The radio suddenly came to life. “Air traffic control to Delta 87, you’re leaving your designated flight path to Detroit, what’s going on?”  
“Nobody in their right mind wants to go to Detroit,” Bush snapped in response, before muting the protests of the Air Traffic Controllers.  
As the sun set below the horizon, they could see the light pollution from Bos-Wash fill the night sky. “We’re back!” Cheney cackled as they began descending. Soon, the Washington Monument was visible in their cockpit window. And more importantly - the iconic Rotunda of the Capitol building.  
“Racial inequality is at a high point in America, and uh, um, we need racial..uh.. uninequality!” Biden stuttered. Underneath the House, 20 pounds of incendiary bombs sat in the basement, waiting for Pence to activate the detonator. Marjorie Taylor Greene had her hand wrapped around her pistol, and a Delta 757 screamed toward the Rotunda. Kamala Harris watched as Joe Biden was about to say his last words, before she would stab him in the back, literally and figuratively.  
“Um, uh, additionally...uh...we must move on. From the previous administration...and move together as a nation.” Joe Biden said.   
“NO!” somebody from the visitor’s gallery screeched. Trump, raving with pure rage, tore off his costume and jumped into the crowd of Republican congressmen. The Republicans crowd surfed Trump up to the front podium, where he shoved Joe Biden out of the way.  
“This election was stolen from us!” Trump screeched. “The Democrats and the RINOs have let our democracy die with their fraudulent votes. Their loyalties are not to the American people, but rather to Big Tech, Big Money, and Big Pharma.” As he spoke, the whirring of a jet echoed through the halls of the Capitol.   
And then, another voice screeched through the muted silence.   
“SAY ADIOS TO YOUR HUEVOS!” Marjorie Taylor Greene shouted, pulling out her pistol and firing at AOC’s ovaries. AOC screamed in pain and immediately retaliated by whipping out a Soviet-Manufactured Makarov pistol, and firing at Marjorie Taylor Greene’s head, killing her instantly.  
As the chamber lit up with noise, Trump’s lunatic screeches rose above everyone else’s. Froth poured from his mouth like a raving dog, and his eyes glowed with pure rage. “So damn you! Damn you all to hell! You betrayed God, you betrayed America, you betrayed me, and most of all you betrayed RUSSIA. And now, you will all PAY the ULTIMATE PRICE! Mike, set this place off!”  
Bush and Cheney jumped out of the airplane at the last second as they neared the Capitol building. They activated their parachutes and landed softly on the National Mall. The two watched as the jet disappeared into the Capitol building - which was soon consumed in a giant fireball.  
“Wait a minute, I forgot!” Dick Cheney cried.  
“Your daughter Liz is in there?” Bush asked  
“No! JET FUEL CAN’T MELT STEEL BEAMS!”  
“Then...how-” Bush’s elation was soon replaced with confusion.


	3. Clash of Congress

Donald Trump cackled with laughter as thermite explosions rocked the Capitol, knocking everyone to the ground. Flames poured through the entrances of the House chamber, burning a few representatives who sat near them.

“THIS IS FOR GARFIELD!” Mike Pence shouted, as he watched Congress burn. He tore off his maid costume and got into his Garfield fursuit. He then whipped out a M4 Carbine and mowed down the reporters in the visitors gallery. “TAKE THIS, FAKE NEWS!”

Suddenly, Donald Trump felt a sharp pain in his back, as he realized that Kamala Harris, who was seated right behind him, had just plunged a knife into him. “This was supposed to be for Joe, but I guess you’ll do,” 

Meanwhile, the death of Marjorie Taylor-Greene started a domino effect, as all the Senators and Representatives whipped out various guns, and aimed at their political rivals. Joe Biden drew two Chinese pistols from his belt, and emptied both of them into Kamala Harris. “I should’ve never trusted you after the Democratic debates.” he grumbled.

As Donald Trump laid on the ground - his lungs filling up with blood from his stab wound, he smiled. This was his legacy. His magnum opus. Knowing that his time was up, he pulled out a picture of Jeffrey Epstein from his pocket and whispered “I’ll be there with you soon, my love.” His froth turned red as blood dripped out of it, and he soon found himself half-drowning in his own pool of blood. As he exhaled his final breath - Nancy Pelosi slapped another article of impeachment onto his face. 

“Burning down the House Chamber is impeachable!”

“Not guilty!” Mitch McConnell yelled as he shot Nancy Pelosi in the head. 

Once Mike Pence had massacred everyone in the visitor’s gallery, he jumped down onto the House floor. A shootout had begun between the Democrats and the Republicans, with members of Congress hiding behind tables and chairs, shooting at one another with various different guns. Pence ran towards the Republican aisle, seeking out those who had shamed him for his quirks from within the Republican Conference. He quickly found one of them - Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina - who was slithering across the ground due to his status as an invertebrate.

Mike Pence pinned the elder senator to the wall. “You deserve what you get, kinkshamer!” he yelled as he pointed his gun at the Senator.

“No wait!” Lindsey cried. “Mike, you’re one of the best people I know. You’d never do this!”

“NOBODY INSULTS MY GARFIELD COSPLAY, AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!” Pence screamed, firing bullet after bullet into Graham’s torso and legs.

“Mike, PLEASE! I’m on your side! I love that you’re expressing yourself!” Lindsey cried.

“You two-faced lying hog!” Mike roared. “Your word doesn’t matter!” Pence fired one last bullet into Lindsey’s neck.

Meanwhile, Republican House Leader Kevin McCarthy rushed through the Republican aisle, his eyes scanning for a single target. Soon - he found what he was looking for. He saw a disheveled Liz Cheney break through one of the doors of the House chamber and slip outside. Kevin quickly rushed after her, ready to end her life. 

Kevin soon found himself walking through the destroyed halls of Congress. He took off his suit and covered his nose with it as smoke began clouding his vision. He dodged random craters and fires, following the sounds of Liz Cheney as she stumbled around the building. Finally, Kevin found her in her office where she was trying to escape through the window. She was exactly where he wanted him.

“Liz.” Kevin said as he lifted his gun. Liz’s eyes filled with panic as she turned towards McCarthy.

“You do this, and my father will find you, and force choke the life out of you,” she warned, with less confidence than she intended.

Kevin laughed. “Your father hasn’t stepped foot in DC for years.” he sneered. “Why would he be here now?” He watched as the confidence in Liz disappeared immediately.

“Liz, I’m here to teach you a lesson.” Kevin admitted. “When you step out of line - when you don’t do what I say and cause some trouble - then this is what will happen to you. So, for example, if you voted to impeach Trump when I told you specifically not to…” Kevin drifted off, admiring his gun menacingly.

Liz closed her eyes. She thought back to when she and her father were talking to each other on a field in Wyoming. The warm sunshine and the crisp fresh air of the wilderness returned to her memory. And she remembered what her father told her - before the days when he exchanged his heart for a machine. Along the stories where he fantasized about blowing up brown people, he told her to feel the life force in everything - and to reach out to it.

Liz never understood what he meant, but she tried following his advice now. She closed her eyes and reached out - trying to feel the force of everything. And as Kevin McCarthy fired his assault rifle, she braced for a bullet to bury itself in her head. But nothing happened. After a few seconds, Liz opened her eyes and saw that the bullet intended for her was floating in the air instead - with Kevin staring at it paralyzed with fear.

Liz reached out again and lifted Kevin McCarthy in the air. His face turned blue as the air was cut off of his lungs. However, before she could suffocate him a red laser blade pierced through McCarthy’s chest and ended his life quickly. When Kevin’s body fell onto the ground the shadowy figure of Dick Cheney stood at the entrance of her office.

“Father! You came back!” Liz exclaimed.

“I have a daughter?” Dick wondered as Bush walked into the room.

“She appears to be a witch.” the former President observed. “Back in Crawford, we’d burn her.”

“She’s  _ force sensitive _ .” Dick sighed. “At least she seems to be powerful in the dark side like me.”

“What’s going on here?” George asked Liz.

“No idea.” Liz responded as she opened her window. “But I’m getting out of here.” She jumped out of the building and landed on the grass. A moment later the two men followed after her. Then - sitting on the lawn of the Capitol - they decided to wait and observe.

Back in the House Chamber, Chuck Schumer and Mitch McConnell were engaged in an intense shootout. Schumer sprayed his AR-15 at the Minority Leader, who was hiding behind a table.

“Obstruct this!” Chuck screamed as he approached the table. He loaded another round into the table, and one of the bullets pierced through and hit Mitch in the arm. McConnell screeched in pain, and did nothing as Schumer walked right up to him.

“Don’t have your sweet little filibuster with you now, huh?” Chuck taunted, the fire of vengeance twisting his expression. As Mitch sent his prayers to Satan one last time, a woman’s cry tore through the air.

“Let him go, you dirty Jew!” Amy Coney Barrett screamed, pulling a pistol out of the black robes of her Supreme Court uniform and firing. Chuck Schumer flew into the nearby wall, a bullet lodged in his forehead. After Amy helped Mitch back up, the two stared at the former Senate Majority Leader’s body.

“Always a weak one.” Mitch chuckled.

“Bet you don’t regret rushing me through the Supreme Court now.” Amy remarked. 

Their small talk ended when Jon Ossoff rushed behind the two, lugging a machine gun with him. He sprayed first at Amy Coney Barrett, who soon found herself on the ground bleeding to death. Then, the junior Senator turned to McConnell.

“Don’t kill me!” Mitch exclaimed. “I have a wife and a few oil companies who really love me.”

“How about you eat lead, you turtle!” Jon Ossoff replied, spraying it wildly in the general direction of McConnell. However, the Minority Leader sprinted as fast as he could and all of the bullets managed to miss him.

As McConnell escaped into a press room branching from the side of the House Chamber, he encountered Attorney General Merrick Garland, who was holding a flamethrower. As soon as Garland saw McConnell, a sadistic grin spread across his face and his eyes shone with hatred.

“I’ve been waiting a long time for this.” Merrick screamed as he ran towards Mitch. The elder senator tried running back into the House Chamber, but the Attorney General was faster. Before he knew it, he was swallowed up by a stream of fire. 

“This is for blocking my Supreme Court nomination!” Garland screeched as McConnell burned.

On the other side of the chamber, Senators Joe Manchin and Susan Collins crossed the aisle and teamed up. Soon, other Senators like Jon Tester, Lisa Murkowski, Kyrsten Sinema, and Mitt Romney joined the bipartisan group. 

“Can I-?” Manchin began.

“Sure.” Susan answered. They watched as Manchin fired his Uzi at Josh Hawley, who died almost immediately as a round of bullets pierced his skull. 

“Glad that piece of shit’s gone.” Mitt muttered.

“Seconded.” Murkowski conceded.

Meanwhile, a group of congressmen had taken notice of the bipartisan group of fighters and joined together to fight against them. Bernie Sanders and AOC soon found themselves teaming up with Tom Cotton and Tommy Tuberville.

“Never thought I’d die fighting side by side with a socialist.” Tuberville remarked.

“How about side by side with a friend?” Sanders replied.

“Aye. I could do that.” Tommy mumbled, before raising his AK-47 and shooting Joe Manchin in the chest. Bernie raised his hammer and sickle, and the centrists and extremists clashed with each other.

Meanwhile, Mike Pence crawled through the rows of seats, looking for one specific Senator. He snuck past Ted Cruz, who was stabbing Elizabeth Warren repeatedly, screaming “YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE FUCKED WITH THE ZODIAC KILLER!” And finally, Pence laid his eyes on Jon Ossoff, who was spraying his M60 Machine Gun wildly into a crowd of Republican Representatives. He didn’t see a Democratic Senator from the South, but he saw the Hunk of a Man that looked almost identical to Jon from  _ Garfield _ . Even his name was the same. Jon was of course, the second hottest character from the comic series, Garfield being the first of course. This was Mike Pence’s chance. 

“Jon!” he shouted, over the sound of the gunfire and screams.

Hearing his name being called, he released the trigger, and turned toward the catsuit wearing former VP. 

“Mike Pence? What are you doing here?”

“Jon! Have sex with me, please!”

“What the hell?” Ossoff demanded.

“Look, I’m Garfield and you’re Jon, it makes sense for us to have violent sex together!”

The Georgian was too stunned to speak, trying to comprehend what the Garfield-addicted Hoosier said to him.

“Mr. Vice President, you’re insane,” Ossoff shouted, lifting up his large Machine Gun.

“Let me Grease your weiner, and eat it like I did in the June 3rd, 1983 comic!” Mike said, crawling closer to Ossoff.

Ossoff pulled the trigger, but realized with horror that he was out of bullets. He fumbled around in his bag for another 500-round belt. Pence was extremely close to Jon now, licking his lips. The young Senator finally inserted the belt into the Machine Gun, and pointed it at Pence. 

“Say hello to Satan for me, Garfield!”

_ Garfield, he called me Garfield!  _ Pence thought to himself, before he was eviscerated by a hellstorm of Machine Gun bullets.


	4. American Carnage

Joe Biden sprinted down the halls of Congress with other members of the Secret Service accompanying him. The echoes of gunshots and cries rang down the chamber, each noise making him run a little bit faster. They walked past the wreckage of a plane - which had somehow pierced through the Rotunda and crashed down a few floors during the clash. Biden ignored the crash and made a beeline down a narrow hallway and towards a small exit of the Capitol.

Suddenly a black blur rushed around Biden, and the occasional silver blur filled his vision. One by one, the heads of his Secret Service members flew off. And within a few seconds, Joe Biden was alone.

The black bur slowed down, wrapped in the robes of a Supreme Court Justice. A moment later, the face of Clarence Thomas materialized in front of the President. The Associate Justice quickly rushed to the doorway, blocking Biden’s only exit. He was wielding a razor blade coated in blood.

“Corn Pop.” Joe snarled. He dug through Hunter Biden’s foreign money in his pocket and pulled out a long chain. 

“I believe we haven’t talked since my nomination.” Thomas sneered. 

“This one’s for Anita Hill.” Biden replied, charging at Clarence Thomas. He swung his chain at the Justice, who quickly stepped aside. Thomas then tried to silt Joe’s throat with his razor, but Biden blocked the swing by countering his forearm with his own. Thomas swung again, but the President performed a backflip over the Justice and ended up behind him. Before Clarence could turn around, he felt the force of the chain tug around his neck.

“I haven’t had this much fun hurting black people since the Crime Bill!” Biden declared as he strangled Thomas. 

The Supreme Court Justice freed his arm and punched the President in the face. Joe Biden let go of the chain and fell back, landing on the ground. A portion of his head had disintegrated into dust due to the force of the impact and his old age. Thomas lifted the chain off of his neck and slowly approached Biden. The President pulled out his phone and tried dialing Xi Jinping. However, when Xi didn’t pick up Biden chose the second highest person in his contacts.

Clarence Thomas kicked the phone aside as someone picked up the call. It landed on the ground a few feet away from them. Joe Biden lunged towards the phone, but was quickly cut off by Thomas. Before he could try backing away, the Supreme Court Justice landed another blow to his chest. The President flew in the air for a few feet, before hitting his head on a wall. The remains of Joe Biden quickly disintegrated into a pile of dust.

Meanwhile in Georgia, David Perdue sat in front of his TV, with a bowl of popcorn, watching the chaos unfold on Fox News. Unfortunately, the cameraman had been killed by someone wearing a Garfield costume, so he could only get a single angle from the camera. He watched in a mix of horror and fascination as Marco Rubio was pushed into a large fire by Tammy Duckworth. He took another fistful of popcorn, and shoved it into his mouth. He picked up his phone and dialed Kelly Loeffler. 

“Are you watching the news right now?”

“Yeah, everyone in the KKK is right now,”

“Who are you rooting for?”

“Whoever kills Warnock,”

“Unfortunately, Ossoff appears to be killing everyone trying to shoot him right now.” Perdue observed.

“Let them fight. Just be glad we’re not involved with them anymore, eh?” Loeffler stated. The two of them laughed.

“Well, I need to go back to commit some more insider trading.” Perdue chuckled.

“And we need to lynch this new black girl we found on the streets.” Loeffler reported. “I’ll see you later, honeycakes.”

“Alright, babe. And hey, maybe we can engage in some consensual hand-holding once you come back?” Perdue inquired.

“Well, we are married.” Loeffler giggled, before hanging up. Perdue leaned back and sighed affectionately.

Sherrod Brown pulled the pin on a grenade full of nerve gas and tossed it toward Rand Paul, who was maskless. 

“You should’ve worn a mask, you Republican bastard!” he shouted, as the nerve gas came out of the grenade. Paul clutched his neck and fell to his knees, blood pouring out of his eyes. He writhed around in agony for a few seconds before finally dying.

Clarence Thomas rubbed his feet against Joe Biden’s ashes over and over again, a smile plastered all over his face. “This is for bringing my streak of sexual harassment into the spotlight and humiliating me in front of the nation.” he spat.

As he walked away, satisfied with his final goodbyes to the former President, the faint sound of an airplane droned in the distance. Clarence Thomas breathed a sigh of relief, happy that help was finally coming and he could get away from this hellhole as soon as possible. He rushed out of the exit Joe Biden tried to escape from and made his way down the steps of the Capitol.

However, as Clarence Thomas looked in the air, he realized that the airplane he had heard was actually a MQ-9 Reaper. His eyes widened with panic and he ran up the stairs of the Capitol again. But his old age caught up with him pretty soon and he was left winded out within a few seconds.

“C’mon. You can climb up the whole thing, Clarence.” A voice boomed throughout the courtyard. Thomas looked behind him and saw a speaker attached to the side of the Reaper - projecting the voice of Barack Obama. Chills ran down his spine.

“Or at least, one of your body parts might.” Obama continued as a missile fired from the drone. Clarence froze with panic for a brief second, before he was engulfed in a pillar of hellfire.

A few moments later Barack Obama hopped out of the nearby bush he was hiding in and examined the Associate Justice’s remains. “And that, was for Joe.” he said, as he scraped his foot against Thomas’ ashes.

John Kennedy inserted a new magazine into his MP7. He fired a burst toward Cory Booker. Booker ducked behind an overturned table, the Shotgun he was carrying ineffective at the range the two of them were fighting from. Kennedy sprayed the rest of his magazine at the table, the bullets piercing through the thin wood easily, killing the Democrat easily. The Republican laughed in triumph. 

“Nothing bad ever happens to the Kennedys!” he declared, before his head exploded like a ripe watermelon. Across the room, Amy Kloubachar lowered her Mannlicher-Carcano sniper rifle. 

“You still got it Amy, you still got it,” she muttered to herself, as she worked the bolt again and looked for more Republicans to shoot.

Barack Obama strolled through the Capitol building, drone striking anyone who crossed his path - no matter what political affiliation they were. “There are no blue states or red states. Only the United States of America!” he cacked as he blew up Ilhan Omar. He was climbing up the flight of stairs leading to the second floor of the Capitol when he bumped into Mitt Romney, who was eager to escape the building as quickly as possible.

“Mitt!” Obama cried. “It’s been a while.”

“Barack?” Mitt yelled, genuine shock in his voice. “What are you doing here?”

“Joe called me over.” Obama answered, tightening his grip on the controller of his drone. “And I wanted to take revenge on Congress for obstructing me all those years ago. Where’s that bastard Mitch?”

“Mitch is dead.” Romney replied. “Garland got his revenge.” 

“Bummer.” Obama groaned. “Guess I’ll have to take all of my pent-up anger on you again.”

“This isn’t 2012 anymore.” Mitt corrected as he pulled out a rocket launcher. The senator fired first, sending a missile (with a dog tied with it) flying Obama’s way. Barack dove below a table and narrowly dodged a few pieces of shrapnel. 

“How about this for hope and change?” Obama yelled back, launching a drone strike on Romney. Mitt jumped down the flight of stairs, which was lit up with an explosion a second later.

“Not the first time you underdelievered on your promises.” Mitt scoffed as he put away his rocket launcher. He then threw a small pocket-sized copy of the Book of Mormon towards Barack. Obama briefly stared at it with confusion, before jumping away as soon as possible as tear gas flew out of its pages. The cloud of milky gas soon swallowed up the former President however - despite his best efforts. He was writhing with pain by the time he crawled out of the cloud of gas. Mitt Romney was standing over him, a smug smile plastered over his face.

“What is it with you Republicans and tear-gassing black people?” Obama coughed, tears falling from his eyes.

“Hey, I supported Black Lives Matter.” Romney countered. “But in a few rare cases, some lives matter more than others.” he finished as he pulled out a glock. Obama, realizing that he might not get out of the building alive, racked his brain for ideas.

“Look!” Barack yelled, pointing to the corner of the room they were in. “A binder full of women!”

“Where?” Mitt shouted, looking at the area Barack was pointing at. Obama slammed a button on his controller, and a missile flew through the tear gas and dove straight towards the Senator. Barack Obama closed his eyes and plugged his ears for a brief second as a flash of light filled up his vision, and when he opened them again Mitt Romney was no more.

As Barack Obama slowly got back up, he felt a sharp pain in his back as a bullet dug itself into his ribcage. He screamed in pain as the figure of Representative Joe Wilson emerged out of the tear gas, pistol in hand.

“You’ve lied for the last time.” Wilson declared. “For the Tea Party!” Barack Obama, who was on his knees, watched in horror as another bullet emerged from the gun’s nozzle and flew right for his head. The bullet pierced his left eye and dug itself into his brain, and his corpse fell to the ground.

AOC looked around her frantically. After the gang of moderates were mostly killed off, the extremists had turned on each other again and now they were all in a shootout. She watched as Democratic congressmen died all around her - their blood or brains flying out whenever a bullet pierced them. The only Democrat who wasn’t getting shot around her was the pro tempore of the Senate - Patrick Leahy - who was dying of a heart attack. Meanwhile, the Republicans were gaining ground.

When she watched Rashida Tlaib fall back with a bullet in her head, she frantically turned to Bernie Sanders, who was desperately trying to figure out how to work an assault rifle with mittens on.

“We should not have put gun control on our official list of policies.” Cortez groaned, missing a shot intended for Madison Cawthorn. 

“Don’t worry. I have a plan.” Bernie replied, tearing his gloves off in frustration. He pulled out a manilla envelope from his jacket pocket and opened it. “We might not have many sharpshooters on our side of the aisle, but we do have one thing.”

“What?” AOC hissed as a bullet flew over her head.

Sanders pulled out a futuristic device from the envelope. It was the size of a minigun - with transparent tubes running down a long silver barrel. The tubes were connected to a central tank, and all of it was filled up with a glowing green liquid. The futuristic gun was decorated with Marx, Lenin, Che, and Mao stickers, as well as socialist iconography.

“I call it the ANTIFA ray.” Sanders giggled. “It will destroy the Republican Party with unrealistic and overly ambitious policies that sounds like something straight from a fairy tale!”

AOC looked at it in shock. “You made a...laser ray?”

“I made it with other fellow leaders of ANTIFA.” Sanders explained, aiming it at the Republican aisle. “Biden came up with the idea first while we were discussing how we could rig the 2020 election.”

“I thought ANTIFA was a loose movement of protests brought together by grassroots organizing?” AOC questioned. “And their relevance is overblown by conservative pundits in order to sway people who don’t know any better?”

“Quiet dear. I need to make sure these people feel the full effect of the Green New Deal.” Sanders growled as he aimed it towards Cawthorn. A bright green blast of light poured out of the gun’s nozzle and struck the representative, melting him into ash.

“If you use that against the DNC, maybe they’ll finally stop rigging primaries against you.” AOC joked. Bernie aimed the gun at Ted Yoho and melted him into ash. “That one was for you, babe.” he said as he turned back to AOC.

Before Alexandria could respond, Matt Gaetz jumped out from behind a desk and leaped towards them. He shot a bullet at the ANTIFA ray, which struck one of the transparent pipes lining the gun and resulted in the whole weapon exploding. Both Bernie Sanders and AOC were atomized by a bright green explosion, and when the light passed there was no sign that either of them had ever been there in the first place.

Matt Gaetz began dancing on the House floor, yelling “I defeated Communism!” Pramilla Jayapal soon filled his body with bullets.


	5. Constitutional Crisis

The force is everywhere in life, you can feel it in the air, you can feel it in the grass underneath you, you can feel it in the fires consuming the Capitol building, reach out, and harness it, bend it to your will,” Dick Cheney rasped through his mechanical breathing apparatus. “If you can channel the force, you can channel life itself.”

Bush nodded, and blocked out the outside noise of the sirens and the gunshots. He focused on the immediate area around him, and on the essence contained in everything within it. A squirrel walked by - seeming unfazed by the Capitol building falling apart. He extended his hands, and attempted to pick the squirrel up with the force, like Dick was doing. Instead, blue lightning exploded out of his fingertips, immediately frying the poor rodent to a crisp.

“Woah Dick, what the hell is this?” the Texan demanded to his former VP, and Liz. “This wasn’t mentioned in the Bible.”

Dick stared at Bush, his mouth agape, although nobody could see it under his mask. “My God.” he muttered. “You must have a lot of midichlorians.”

“Wait, isn’t that like the powerhouse of the cell or something?” Bush asked, scratching his head.

“It’s like...it’s like a tiny microbe that lives in force-sensitive people.” Dick stuttered, trying his best to explain the Force to his redneck colleague. “And you have a...a lot of them.”

“I stopped paying attention in Biology when they tried shoving that evolution bullcrap down my throat, instead of taking my suggestion of teaching us Eugenics,” Bush sighed. “This is pretty cool, though.” He pointed at a nearby tree and blasted it with lightning. It completely disintegrated within a few seconds.

“Uh yeah. Um...let me just talk with this woman - I mean - my daughter. For a second.” Dick coughed. He and Liz walked off a few yards, and sat down at a park bench.

“He’s too powerful for his own good.” Dick said immediately as soon as they got away from Bush’s hearing range. Liz watched as Bush tried to cook a hot dog with his force lightning, and nodded an agreement.

“Should we do something about him?” Liz asked as she stood back up. She strolled to a nearby vending machine and inserted a dollar bill in it.

“I don’t know.” Dick admitted. “Just...if he does anything too dangerous…” he trailed off for a few seconds as Liz decided to buy a bag of pretzels. “You know how George can be. He gets riled up, and he does something impulsive. Like...Iraq.”

“So you want me to help you if things get bad.” Liz said as she grabbed her pretzels from the machine.

Dick Cheney nodded, and got up. 

“C’mon Mrs. Chen- I mean, my daughter, let’s go back to George, before he gets suspicious,” Liz opened the bag of pretzels and popped one into her mouth.

“Hey, what were you guys talking abou-'' Bush began, chewing on his charred hot dog, which he immediately dropped before letting out the loudest scream any of them had ever heard. He pointed at the bag of Pretzels in Liz’s hands.

“GET THAT DEMON-SPAWN OUT OF HERE!” he shouted with anger, and the bag of pretzels exploded in Liz’s hands, scattering them all over the pavement. He then began stomping on one of the chips. 

“THIS IS FOR TRYING TO KILL ME!” Bush screamed. He then zapped a few other chunks of pretzel with lightning.

After the former President was satisfied with his carnage, the three fell into a state of silence as they watched the federal government kill itself off. Disgruntled, Liz silently stalked back to the vending machine and bought another bag of pretzels. She hid it in her pocket before joining the two older men. 

“You know, we can take over once all of this is over.” Bush suggested.

“What do you mean?” Liz questioned, trying to make sure nobody could see her bag of pretzels in her suit.

“If everyone dies in there, and we kill off Joe Biden and his successors, then we can technically stage a coup over the nonexistent government and serve a third term.” Bush continued, shooting a bird in the sky with his lightning.

“That’s the best idea you’ve ever had, George!” Dick exclaimed. “That is, second to Iraq, or course,” he quickly added.

“No wait. Even better.” Bush schemed as he put on his cowboy hat. “We shouldn’t even have term limits. I should just serve as the President for the rest of my life. And you should serve as my second-in-command, just like the good ol’ days.”

“But that’s unconstitutional!” Liz exclaimed.

Both George and Dick laughed. “Daughter, have I ever told you about one of my favorite role models? Former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger?” Dick began.

“That’s the guy who bombed innocent civilians in Cambodia and supported coups against democratically-elected leaders in Latin America, right?” Liz guessed.

“Hence why I like him so much.” Dick responded. “He once said that while the illegal takes him immediately to commit, the unconstitutional took him longer.”

Liz stared at her father blankly.

“Paraphrasing a bit. Point is, the Constitution never mattered in the first place.” Dick continued. “It’s just some document that politicians use to defend their actions. It can be changed at any moment through amendments, as long as we get enough people on board. We could technically make pretzels illegal and make it an amendment, as long as the Supreme Court agrees with it.”

“Which they should.” Bush added.

“What I’m trying to say is that there’s really no definition to what’s Constitutional and what’s not. It’s really up to us.” Dick said, before reaching his hand out to Liz. “So join me, and together we can rule America as father and daughter. Come with me. It is the only way.”

Liz sighed, before taking her father’s hand. “Yeah, I guess you have a point.” she grimaced. Bush leaped up in the air and clacked his cowboy boots, yelling “Yee-haw!”

“You can be my next Secretary of State.” Bush finished. “But for now, we must wait.”

The three returned to silence, waiting for the right moment to strike. Suddenly, Bush was struck by a realization.

“Oh god! I almost forgot! There’s a designated survivor that’s supposed to take office if shit like this goes down during State of the Unions!” He shouted, drawing a six-shooter from his belt. “There’s a secret bunker underneath the Capitol Building. That’s where they are, and that’s where we have to go if we want to reclaim the Presidency.”

Dick and Liz looked at each other. “Well, what are we waiting for?” Liz asked. The three then ran back into the Capitol building.

Ted Cruz sprinted toward the wreckage of the crashed plane sitting in the Rotunda, as bullets flew past him. He was going to hide there, until rescue came. He dropped his bloody knife in his panic, and he didn’t have time to pick it up. He opened the door to the wreck, and closed and locked it, gasping for breath. Finally, he was safe. He decided to explore the wrecked flight while he was at it. The ground was strewn with dead bodies, which was expected, but the Texan gasped when he realized that they had cauterized stab wounds or bullet holes in them. He crouched down to a dead woman, and opened her purse, taking the 10 dollars she had.

“Man, I can make a fortune looting the money from these corpses,” He said, smirking slightly. He walked over to a dead boy, only about the age of 8. He reached down and took the lollipop from his hand, unwrapping it and putting it in his mouth. 

“I’m gonna be rich!” He exclaimed.

Suddenly, there was a scraping noise from above him. 

“What the-”

The Texan senator was interrupted by a large suitcase falling out of the overhead compartment, crushing him to death instantly. Almost immediately, the tormented souls of 37 individuals from the San Francisco Bay Area who had died between 1960 to 1970 flew out of his body and vanished. 

A few minutes later, his body was tossed aside by Adam Schiff, who had also decided that the airplane would be a good place to hide. 

“Jesus Christ, what happened here.” he muttered, tossing aside the suitcase.

“This brings me back to Jonestown.” Jackie Speier commented, who had closely followed behind Schiff.

“Wonder who killed all of these people.” Jon Ossoff commented. He was followed by Jamie Raskin and Raphael Warnock.

The plane was suddenly rocked by gunshots. The two looked behind them and saw the body of Dick Durbin - who was also following them - fall to the ground. Behind her stood Jim Jordan, who held a smoking pistol in his hand.

The Democrats scattered as more Republicans joined Jordan. Soon Schiff found himself being bludgeoned to death by Chuck Grassley via a cane. Tim Scott had landed a shot on Jamie Raskin’s throat, before being shot himself by Jackie. As the sounds of gunshots rang behind them - Jon Ossoff and Raphael Warnock fled to the back of the plane. They found a small door in the flight attendant’s area, and dove through it. They then found themselves in the cargo area. It was lined with steel walls and filled with C4, RDX, and TNT.

“Uh oh.” Ossoff muttered.

“Looks like the pilot was smuggling something.” Warnock grumbled. 

“Surprised it didn’t go off yet.” Jon noted.

Suddenly, somebody else burst through the door. Tommy Tuberville’s head poked in, a sadistic grin plastered across his face.

“This is for stealing the election!” he cackled, waving around his AK-47. Jon dove behind a shelf, barely missing a stream of bullets. Raphael soon joined him.

“Should I-?” Warnock began.

Tuberville stepped inside the room, his stomps echoing in their ears.

“Do it.” Jon hissed. “We’re gonna die anyway. Why not put up a show while we’re at it?”

Warnock pulled out the pin from his grenade and tossed it behind the shelf. It landed right between Tommy Tuberville’s legs. The Senator from Alabama froze and stared at it with shock. Jon and Raphael then came out of the closet by kissing each other and dying in an embrace as the grenade set off. The explosion triggered the surrounding chemicals - and soon the couple were engulfed in a blast of light.

Bush wrenched open the thick steel door, shooting the two guards at the front, before descending the staircase. He picked up the Assault rifle that one of the guards were holding, and shot all the other secret service members in the bunker. He grinned, and picked up another assault rifle, so he was dual-wielding guns. He was opening another door, when he heard a massive explosion above him, almost knocking him off his feet. 

“Dear god, is this what being in Baghdad felt like?” He asked. He knew this bunker like the back of his own hand. There was another guard, who tried to surrender. 

“I don’t take prisoners,” The Texan growled, firing at him and killing him instantly. There was one last room, where the designated survivor hid. The room was locked by a heavy blast door that could withstand a nuclear blast. Unfortunately for the survivor, the door wasn’t force-proof. Bush easily tore the door off its hinges. He grinned, and entered the room.

“Kerry, I told you. I’m not returning to politics.” John Edwards hissed. “Especially when they found out that I was cheating with my wife. I’ve found a quiet life now as a stripper.”

“C’mon. You gotta come back. For the environment. For us.” Kerry replied.

“I don’t get why you had to fly me over here in order to tell me that.” Edwards complained. “How did you know shit was gonna go down, anyways?”

“It was a gut feeling. Something felt wrong as soon as Joe Biden chose me as his designated survivor” Kerry grumbled.

“The Envoy for Climate Change is the last member of my administration I would pick as my successor if I was Joe.” Edwards muttered below his breath.

“What was that?”

“Nothing.”

“Okay. This does kinda remind me of that one time in ‘Nam-” Kerry began.

“Stop.” Edwards groaned.

“Okay, whatever. Point is, I’m going to become President after the mess that’s happening in Congress right no-” Kerry paused, when he heard gunshots and screams, which sounded like it was coming from the bunker. Suddenly, the blast door was torn off its hinges. Kerry drew the pistol he had holstered. 

“Who goes there?” he demanded, before gasping. It was George W. Bush, holding two assault rifles.

“Hello there,” Bush said casually. “You should put that gun down,” 

“Bush,” Kerry growled, tightening his grip on his gun.

“I-” Bush began.

“I’m not going to let you get your villain monologue in,” Kerry interrupted, firing the pistol.

Bush raised a hand, and the bullet froze midair, before turning and pointing at Kerry.

“What the hell?” Kerry demanded, before firing five more bullets at Bush.

Bush easily stopped all of them. He lifted his hand again, and the gun flew out of Kerry’s hand.

“You’re not going to be President Kerry, you never will,” The 43rd President cackled, making all six of the bullets fly into Kerry’s arms and legs. 

“I’m afraid your death will be slow, and painful,” Bush said, lifting up Kerry and tossing him into a wall. “You shouldn’t have tried to resist,”

Kerry groaned in pain, trying to grab the gun. Bush kicked the pistol away.

“Bullets don’t work John, remember?” the Texan cackled. Finally, streams of lightning flowed from his fingertips and struck the climate czar, sending thousands of volts rushing through his veins. Meanwhile, John Edwards charged at Dick Cheney. Edwards’ neck then twisted itself 180 degrees with a simple flick of the former Vice President’s finger, and his dead body fell to the ground.

Bush started laughing maniacally as he electrocuted Kerry. Once he stopped, Kerry laid on the ground. His body was twitching and arcs of electricity ran down his body. He uttered one final “Four...four purple hearts.” before succumbing to heart paralysis.

“Welp. That’s that.” Liz declared, clapping his hands.

Bush stared at his hands, filled with an adrenaline rush. He began laughing uncontrollably as the possibilities began rushing to his head. All of the futures that laid ahead of him with his new-found powers. It was almost too much for him to bear.

“What’s so funny.” Dick questioned as Bush’s laugh turned crazed and spit began dripping down his chin.

A minute passed before Bush stopped laughing and calmed down. “I-I was just thinking.” he wheezed. “With these witch powers you taught me, I could do anything.” he observed. “I can defeat any foe. Kill anyone who stands in my way. I can become unstoppable.” he giggled.

“Bush?” Dick yelled.

“Forgive me Lord!” Bush yelled at the ceiling as he fell to his knees. “For I have become like you. I can do anything. Achieve whatever I want. I have infinite power. Infinite wisdom. Infinity anything!” His eyes dilated with megalomania and his spit turned to froth.

Liz faced her father. “Has he gone into the...dark side? Whatever it is that you told me back in my childhood.”

“I’m afraid he has.” Dick sighed. “Well, George. That’s great, But we need to get out of here first.”

“You’re right, Dick.” George responded. He then started levitating in the air and shot out of the bunker. The Cheneys followed him closely behind.

Bob sat in his cubicle, on the 57th floor of the One World Trade Center, filling in some pointless information into a spreadsheet. He took his steaming mug of coffee, and held it up to his lips, when he froze. It seemed like there was a person outside, floating in the air. He rubbed his eyes, thinking it was just him going insane after being forced to work 7 hours with no break, but the floating man was still there. He walked over to the floor-to-ceiling window, to get a closer look. It appeared to be a man in a bloodstained business suit.

“What the hell?” he demanded. His colleagues abandoned their desktop computers, and crowded at the window, trying to get a closer look. Suddenly, someone screamed

“IT’S GEORGE W. BUSH!” The office was thrown into mass hysteria, as everyone tried to escape.

“He’d going to destroy us, like he did the twin towers!” one of the workers screamed.

“Don’t be stupid, Bush didn’t do 9/11!” Bob shouted, but it was pointless. He was swept away by the crowd of people attempting to flee.

Bush watched the workers on all of the floors try to run, and he laughed. It was going to be like shooting Iraqi civilians in a barrel. He once again used his force powers, lifting a car from the street below, and throwing it into the 57th floor, killing all of the fleeing workers. He then entered through the massive hole in the glass, stepping on the corpses. He heard the buzzing of a fire alarm, as the wrecked car caught fire. He reached the staircase, where there was a flood of employees trying to run. He used his force lightning, laughing as he had never laughed before, as the electricity spread through the mob, killing most of them. He descended the stairs, looking for survivors. When he found none, he ascended the stairs again, going to each floor methodically and planting thermite, before walking out of the building casually.

Dick Cheney and Liz stood on Liberty Island, as instructed by Bush. The two waited for a few minutes, before Bush joined them.

“Look at this Dick, this is gonna be awesome!” he said. He pulled out what looked like a remote control.

“Now, If you turn your attention to the One World Trade Center…” he began. “You will witness the magnum opus of my career,” He took his index finger, twirled it dramatically, and pressed down on the large red button in the center. There was a massive explosion, and the tower disappeared in a cloud of ash and fire. The smoke lingered for about five minutes, before slowly dissipating. And to the shock of the Cheneys, the One World Trade Center disappeared.

“Three.” Bush remarked as the cry of sirens tore through the air.

“Uh-” Dick stuttered. “Excuse me for a second. I need to talk to Liz.”

Dick and Liz slid away towards a nearby tree as Bush admired his work. As soon as they stalked behind a tree Liz lit up with anger.

“We need to stop him.” She hissed. “He’s gone mad.”

“I know.” Dick grumbled. “He hasn’t been this careless about human life since Katrinia.” 

“So do we take him down now?” She questioned.

“No.” Dick answered. “He’s too powerful right now. We need to wait until he’s distrac-”

“What were you two talking about?” Bush yelled, suspended midair.

“Uh...we-” Dick stuttered.

“We were talking about how great and powerful you were.” Liz finished. “And how awesome and wise you’ll be as our new President-for-life.”

Bush chuckled as he shifted into a relaxed pose while still flying midair. “Okay. I thought you were conspiring against me.” he mentioned, “Which, if you were, then things would not end well for either of you, that’s for sure.”

“Uh...yeah.” Dick laughed nervously.

“Well. Time to head back to Washington. Maybe I can finally renovate the White House into an evil palace, like yours.” Bush announced, landing onto the ground. He pulled out a rope and lasso’d the Cheneys. He then took off in the air - dragging his two minions with him - as they headed back to the nation’s capital.

Senate Republican Whip John Thune hid behind an upturned table, gripping his AR-15 to his chest. He briefly lifted his head over the table and shot Amy Klobachar in the forehead, killing her instantly. He then dove back under the table as a bullet whizzed by his head.

A group of Congressmen had left the House chamber and taken the battle into the halls of the Capitol, and Thune was eager to join them. After mowing down a few more Democrats, John made his way towards the exit. However, as soon as he slipped through a bright flash of light filled his eyes, followed by the big bang of an explosion. He flew back into the House chamber from the force of the shockwave, and propped himself up using a chair. His ears were buzzing with a constant ringing sound.

Thune watched as the Democrats and Republicans stopped shooting at each other. Instead, they all stared at the room as deep moans tore through the building. Soon after, debris fell from the sky as the ceiling began caving upon itself. Thune watched as John Cornyn was crushed with a huge piece of plaster, and Rick Scott was killed instantly when a rock flew into his forehead. 

Thune ran back out the exit, trying to escape the collapsing ceiling as quickly as possible. What he encountered outside, however, was worse. He stared with shock as he faced a completely-destroyed Capitol building, covered in piles of rubble and smoke. The Rotunda was no more - replaced with a large hole. Through a hole in the ceiling, he could see the rays of dawn shining through the sky.

As soon as his jaw dropped to the floor in shock a part of the ceiling broke and fell onto his body, pinning him to the ground. All of the air was knocked out of his lungs, and when he tried to breathe his nose filled up with dust and plaster. With the huge rock crushing his lungs and the piles of dust clawing down his windpipe, Thune slowly asphyxiated to death. 

As Thune closed his eyes one last time, he heard the loud crack of the House chamber’s ceiling as it fell into itself. And he heard the cries coming from the chamber grow silent all at the same time.


	6. Manifest Destiny

A small army of squad cars and SWAT vans reached the burning capitol building. A literal army in the form of the National Guard, also arrived. As the gunfight happened during the night, the entire PD was asleep, so the response came a tad too late. Fire trucks arrived as well, firefighters and EMTs rushing into the ruined capitol, looking for survivors. They soon left, with empty stretchers. The sky was clouded by Police and Military choppers, as well as the helicopters belonging to the major news sources. 

“And then, Vice President Pence donned a Garfield costume, and massacred everyone in the visitor’s gallery, including our Cameraman on the scene,” Tucker Carlson explained. “And for the 17th time, this is a legitimate News Story, not satire, now, we go to our man in the air,”

The Fox News chopper circled around the ruined capitol, showing the wrecked rotunda, the collapsed House Chamber, and the surprisingly unscathed Senate Chamber. 

“Thank you Tucker, as you know, this was an attack on America by ANTIFA, and-” one of the National Guard tanks fired at the Fox chopper, shooting it down. The camera footage cut out.

“Wow. That was weird.” Carlson commented. “In other news, the Democrats are trying to rape every white woman in America by letting transgender people into bathrooms.” 

Near the ruins of the Capitol, the Joint Chiefs of Staff met up with each other. It’s Chairman, Mark Milley, gathered together with other heads of the military, including the Army, Marines, Navy, Air Force, National Guard, and Coast Guard. The head of the Space Force tried getting into the conversation as well but was repeatedly shoved aside.

“What now?” McConville, who headed the Army, seethed.

“No one survived.” Milley observed. They turned around to face a paramedic who dragged John Kerry’s burned body across the ground. “Not even the designated survivor.”

“We could get the Chairman of the DNC to nominate a President.” Brown, who chaired the Air Force, commented. “Since Biden was Democratic. Jaime Harrison was the head, if I recall.”

“I’ve heard reports that a flying elderly man with two other people lassoed behind him electrocuted the entirety of the DNC and RNC.” Berger - head of the Marines - added. “Bystanders say the man was raving about ‘power’ and ‘total control’.”

“That’s strange.” Milley grumbled. “Is Governor Whitmer still alive? She’s the vice-chairman of the DNC, if I recall.”

“She’s busy dodging assassination attempts.” Brown reported.

“Hey!” John Raymond - chair of the Space Force - cried. For the first time, everyone listened to him. “That looks like the maniac with the lasso you were talking about earlier!”

George W. Bush landed on the scene with a triumphant entrance, striking a hero pose in front of the heads of the military. He dropped the Cheneys onto the ground roughly, and the two untangled themselves from the rope. 

“Bush?” Milley exclaimed. “Dick? Liz? What are all of you doing here?”

“Hel-” Liz began.

“Yes, it is me, your new President of the United States!” Bush yelled, extending his arms for presentation.

“Who says you’re the President?” Raymond spoke up.

“ME!” Bush roared. “I say I’M the President!”

“But we have a Constitutional process for this!” Raymond responded. “The Governors can appoint interim Congressmen, and then they can-”

“What the hell is that?” Bush asked in genuine confusion.

“It’s the thing you took an oath for during your inauguration.” Dick explained. “It’s like a piece of paper that’s supposed to maintain a fair and free democratic republic. It has things like term limits for Presidents-”

“Term limits?” Bush yelled hysterically. “TERM LIMITS? That’s ludicrous!” he turned back to the heads of the military. “Alright, if FDR can serve four terms, I can serve for life. Disregard the Constitution or whatever they call it and take your oaths to me instead.”

Raymond stood up straight and squared his shoulders. “No.” he said defiantly. “I will stay with America and the Constitution.”

“Then DIE!” Bush yelled, pointing at Raymond. A blast of pure power burst out of his finger and struck the chair of the Space Force. His body immediately exploded, leaving behind a pile of guts and gore on the ground. Bush smiled as he looked back at the Chiefs of Staff. 

“Now, swear your allegiance to me.” he demanded quietly. 

Nobody spoke up. Bush sighed and pointed at an apartment complex near the National Mall. It blew up in a huge fireball, killing everyone inside immediately. “Now, SWEAR your ALLEGIANCE to me, or more innocents will DIE!” he cackled.

“Y-yes, Mr. President.” Milley whimpered. “I swear to serve you, and you only.” Bush’s smile widened.

“Now, bow.” Bush whispered.

“What?” Milley questioned, confused.

“BOW!” Bush roared, his voice echoing across DC. “BOW, or say GOODBYE to AMERICA!” At that point, all of the cameras and news stations were focused on them, and everything fell silent.

Milley, as well as the rest of the Chief of Staffs, fell to their knees. Bush giggled manically, lunacy shining in his eyes. Then, he raised his hand, and in the distance every resident of Washington DC flew hundreds of feet into the air. The Cheneys watched in horror as Bush listed another set of demands.

“First, I want you to announce that the American government has been overthrown by me, George W. Bush.” the new President commanded Milley. The man trembled as he faced the media.

“You heard what the man said.” he whispered, tears in his eyes.

“Secondly, that the Constitution has been abolished by me, George W. Bush.” the President seethed. When Milley said nothing, Bush’s smile grew wider as he let go of a few residents floating in the air. A few dozen citizens screamed as they plummeted to their deaths onto the hard concrete.

“The Constitution has been abolished.” Milley gulped.

“And finally. That I, George W. Bush, am your President for life. And that I, the President, has vested in me total power over the federal and state governments, as well as the military.” Bush yelled.

“The President has total and complete power.” Milley agreed.

Bush paused. “Actually, scratch that. Call me the Supreme Chancellor instead. It has a nice ring to it.” he added.

“Yes, Supreme Chancellor.” Milley squeaker.

A satisfied expression crossed Bush’s face. He lowered his hand and the citizens of DC were let back onto the ground safely. Then, he clapped his hands and Milley, as well as every other member of the Chief of Staffs, had their necks snap in half. They all fell to the ground, dead.

“Don’t need you anymore.” Bush grumbled, kicking aside Milley’s body.

Back at the Capitol, the National Guard had finished setting up a secure perimeter. Two more trucks arrived, and more guardsmen came out. Finally, a Black Hawk helicopter landed, and the first squad of the US Army arrived.

“Thank god you’re here,” one of the Guardsmen said. “We could use some help-”

“We’re not here to help, we’re here to give you some news. Supreme Chancellor George W. Bush is the new head of state,”

“We’re in a national emergency right now, it’s no time for jokes, so help us set up this perimeter!” the guardsman snapped angrily. The US Army soldier blinked.

“This isn’t a joke,” he replied. “Bush has killed the heads of the military with the force, and-”

“The force?” The Guardsman laughed. “Do you really expect me to believe this? Y’know, where’s your commander? I’m goin-”

A US Army Colonel strode over to the arguing soldiers.

“What’s going on here?” The Colonel demanded.

“This idiot is trying to be funny, by saying that George W. Bu-” The Guardsman began.

“First of all, it’s Supreme Chancellor Bush, and second, yes, it’s true,” The Colonel interrupted. 

The Guardsman’s jaw dropped, bewildered. The colonel continued his explanation. “Bush forced the heads of the military to stage a coup and repeal the US Constitution.” 

“So...what now?” a guardsman asked.

“Well, Supreme Chancellor Bush is our new commander now.” the Colonel answered. “I suppose we just stand by and await his orders.”

Meanwhile, the Supreme Chancellor stared at the cameras of the media, as his face was broadcasted across the world. He briefly straightened his jacket and adjusted his cowboy hat, before putting a smile on his face.

“Greetings, people of America.” Bush began. “As I am sure you are all aware, I have returned to not only the Presidency, but something even greater.” he faced the sunrise, as pink rays of light illuminated his face. “The sun rises on a new dawn in America. Just yesterday, we had an ineffective government at our helm. Riddled with corruption, bureaucracy, and partisanship, their interests did not align with the interests of the people.

“But that was yesterday. And today is today.” Bush continued. “No longer is there a painstakingly slow Congress blocking everything we want. No longer is there an ineffective President who can only rule through executive overreach. No longer are there complicated elections which use an outdated system for counting votes. No longer do we have a Constitution preventing us from making real progress. Today, we advance towards something greater. As your new Supreme Leader for life, I will bring this country into a new age. An age of more tax cuts for the rich. An age of ignoring economic problems until it is too late. An age of more forever-wars in the Middle East against some backwater theocracy who just happens to have a lot of oil,”

He paused for effect, before continuing. 

“The destruction of the entirety of the federal government may seem to some like a devastating loss. But I can assure you, America has never been stronger because of it. The partisan gridlock has been defeated, and we are on the threshold of a new beginning. In order to ensure a prosperous future, the United States of America will be reorganized into the First American Empire, for a safe and prosperous nation...without Muslims or gays.”

“Wait a minute,” Liz muttered. “My sister is gay.”

“I have another daughter?” Dick asked incredulously.

“Yeah. She’s married to a woman.” Liz answered.

“Wait!” Dick ran towards Bush. “What are you going to do to the gays?” he yelled.

“I’m going to do what the Bible tells me to do to the gays.” Bush responded simply. “To kill them slowly and painfully by putting them in torture facilities that would make Mike Pence blush.”

Dick and Liz looked at each other with uncertainty. “We have to do it now.” Liz hissed. After a while of silence, Dick nodded, and straightened his shoulders as he faced his boss.

“Do what?” Bush questioned, tilting his head.

“George, I’ve stood by your awful policies and your egregious crimes for years now.” he began. “But this time, it’s different. This time, your evilness is affecting me on a personal level.”

“Are you thinking about turning on me?” Bush asked. “Because you’re either with me, or you’re with the gays.”

“It pains me to do this, George. To turn on one of my three friends.” Dick admitted as the two men began circling around each other. “It hurting me more than the torture we made the detainees in GITMO go through.”

Bush sighed. “Dick. I have a confession to make.” he said. “For the longest time, you controlled me. You told me what to do, and what to say. And I listened to you. I was the pawn, and you were the player.” he briefly paused to raise his voice. “So do you know how GOOD it feels to finally be the one in control now? DO YOU?”

Dick ignited his lightsaber and stayed silent.

“That’s what I thought.” Bush scoffed. “My reputation is ruined because of you, and now, your life will be ruined because of me!”

“The Supreme Court won’t save you now!” Dick roared, raising his lightsaber in the air.

“You misunderestimate my power.” the Supreme Chancellor seethed. He extended his hands out to the Vice-Chancellor, and a steady stream of lightning poured out of his fingers. Dick deflected the lightning using his own lightsaber.

“You fool. Have you not seen the shitty Star Wars sequels? You need TWO lightsabers to do that.” Bush yelled, sending a jolt of electricity down his river of lightning. The force knocked the lightsaber out of Dick’s hands and sent the Vice Chancellor tumbling onto the ground. 

“Pathetic.” Bush spat as Dick twitched on the ground, paralyzed. “First you’re with the homosexuals, and now you can’t even stand your ground against me. What are you going to do next, sympathize with brown people?”

He sent out more lightning, hitting his former VP. Unfortunately for Cheney, his superpower suit, with all its wires, was a superconductor for force lightning. Dick immediately lost control over his cyborg body and soon became nothing more than a sitting duck.

“Please. I surrender.” Dick rasped. “I’m too old. Let me live. I won’t fight you ever again.”

Bush laughed. “Fool me once, shame on...shame on you. Fool me...you can’t get fooled...forget it. You’re gonna die painfully and slowly.” Another river of electricity flowed out of his fingers and struck Cheney, who screamed in pain.

“Please!” Dick roared as he turned to Liz, who was frozen with fear. “Get out of here! Save yourself!” As soon as the words left his mouth, Bush sent another jolt of power, making him shake violently in pain.

Liz snapped out of her shock, and watched as her father was sprayed with lighting over and over again. Her ears rang with the screams of pain coming from her father’s mouth. As he writhed on the ground, his helmet came loose and fell off of him, revealing for the first time to her his bald yet boring face. 

Liz decided to take action. Instead of listening to her father’s advice, she closed her eyes and started brainstorming. She drowned out the sounds of her father’s screams and focused on the Supreme Chancellor instead. An idea sprung up in her mind.

She opened her eyes again and saw that George W. Bush had started laughing maniacally as he slowly killed her father. The Chancellor’s mouth hung wide open to let his wheezing out. Quickly, she pulled out her bag of pretzels from her dress and tore it open. Using the force, she lifted a pretzel from the bag and flung it right into George Bush’s open mouth, lodging it into his throat. Bush stopped laughing, and started to cough. The force lightning stopped as he grabbed his neck. To an average force user it would be obvious to use the force to remove the pretzel. However, Bush - being the incompetent dumbass that he was - ran around frantically, waiting for someone to help him. When nobody came to his aid, he fell onto his knees. His face turned blue as he tried rasping for air - with none actually getting into his lungs. 

Dick, who was still paralyzed on the ground, yelled gleefully “Ladies and gentlemen, we got him.” Bush was on Dick the moment the words left his mouth, his anger magnifying ten-fold as he slowly lost more and more air. Before he could seriously injure Dick any more, however, Liz tore off her shoe and threw it at the Supreme Chancellor. It struck Bush’s forehead and knocked him onto the ground. The back of his head struck the concrete, and soon after a pool of blood formed below Bush’s body as he blacked out. The last thing going through Bush’s mind was, surprisingly, submission. He was going to see his father again, whether in heaven or in hell. He got his answer as soon as he heard the demented banshee scream of Margaret Thatcher.

Using the force, Liz picked up her father’s lightsaber and used it to lob off Bush’s head, ending the Supreme Chancellor’s life for good. Then, she dropped her laser sword and ran to her father.

“Dad!” Liz screamed. “Are you okay?”

“I-” Dick rasped. “I was just struck with millions of volts of electricity. What do you think?” he moaned. Liz got a good look at her father’s face for the first time in her life, and the two stayed silent for a bit. Finally, her father did something she never expected would happen - he smiled. He pulled out a hatch from his metal suit - revealing his metal heart. “Fortunately for me, my heart is made out of metal. I’m completely immune.”

The two embraced each other as the sun rose above the horizon, illuminating the National Mall with rays of light. Then, Liz helped prop up her father - who needed a new metal body after his old one got fried with electricity. 

“So, do we restore the Constitution and bring democracy back to America?” Liz asked. All of the cameras focused on them as they looked into each other’s eyes - eager for Dick Cheney’s answer.

Suddenly, both father and daughter burst out into laughter. “The title of Vice-Chancellor has grown on me,” Dick confessed between his giggles.

“I don’t mind being the new Supreme Chancellor.” Liz chuckled. Dick reached out for his lightsaber and it flew back into his hand. Liz then dragged her father towards the Washington Monument - and in the general direction of the Walter Reed Hospital. Behind the two despots sat the ruins of the Capitol building - illuminated with the rays of light coming from a new dawn in America.


	7. Epilogue

“Sir, Hell is filling up with Politicians,” George H.W Bush reported to Ronald Reagan.

“Bah, It’s always filling up with politicians, Greg,” Reagan replied, stopping as there was another scream in the distance.

“George,” Bush corrected.

“No, I’m Ronald. Anyway, what about the politicians?” The 40th president asked.

“So, the entire US government was killed during the State of the Union, and everyone is coming straight to hell, including my son, for some reason,” Bush explained.

Reagan nodded as they walked past a pool of burning sulfur. Mao Zedong and Joseph McCarthy were bathing in the pool, sharing a cigar.

“Do you have any ideas on how we could speed up the process?”

“Isn’t this your job? You are the executive assistant to Satan, after all,” Bush replied, arching an eyebrow.

“You’re right, Greg. I need to talk to him about immigration reform.” Reagan sighed, shaking his head.

“George.” Bush corrected again. “And I suggest just letting all the politicians into hell, without passports and all that,” 

“Good idea, but why do you keep saying George?”

Meanwhile in purgatory immigration control, a long line of politicians were just about to riot, as the process into hell was painfully slow. Joe Biden was particularly unhappy. He was just killed by a black person, and his emergency ice cream supply had melted in his pocket.

“Damn ni-'' He started to mutter to himself, before he felt a hand on his shoulder. He whipped around.

“Barack?”

“Hey, Joe.” Barack beamed. “You were saying something?”

Biden chuckled, scratching the back of his head. “I was going to say...uh...damn ni...uh...damn nincompoops, with all of their malarkey.”

“Alright.” Obama replied, flashing his white smile.

Suddenly, Donald Trump waddled up to them, a shy expression on his face. “So...are we friends now?” he chuckled. Obama and Biden glared at him.

“Don’t you have some crony friends to hang out with?” Obama spat.

“Bannon, Stone, and Manafort are still alive.” Trump grumbled. “As for Mike…” he looked off into the distance, where Mike Pence was desperately trying to chase down Jon Ossoff.

“Anyone else?” Biden inquired. “Cause I’d love it if you went away.”

“Well, no woman likes me. So that’s half of everyone gone.” Trump sighed.

“Not even Melania?” Obama asked.

“I marry women for their boobs, not their personality.” Donald lectured. “If I didn’t, then I wouldn’t have cheated on my wives as much as I did. Also, apparently women hate it when you sexually assault them.”

“You’re telling me.” Biden grumbled, rolling his eyes.

“I know. Total shocker. Should’ve never raped that one woman because she looked like my daughter.” Trump groaned.

“You what?” Obama yelled.

“Nevermind,” He muttered. Then, he then turned to the two Democrats, fully facing them. “My point is that the past is the past. Let bygones be bygones. Since we’re all gonna burn in hell for our sins anyway, why not let our old grudges go?”

“You want us to forgive you?” Obama screamed.

“For doing nothing against the virus, flubbing up the vaccine distribution, and letting hundreds of thousands die?” Biden screeched.

“Didn’t happen, fake news.” Trump muttered.

“For lying about the election, trying to overturn it after your own DOJ said it wasn’t rigged, and letting your own supporters loose on the Capitol?” Obama screamed.

“I don’t take any responsibility!” Trump yelled.

“For destroying the economy with your trade war, weakening the trans-Atlantic alliance, and letting Russia get away with killing our own troops and hacking our entire government?” Biden roared.

“For giving white supremacists a platform, tear gassing black protestors, and locking Latinos up in cages?” Obama shouted.

“That last one was your fault, actually.” Trump pointed out. 

“Haha...what??? No, that can’t be.” Obama chuckled nervously, sweating profusely.

“Whatever. I don’t need you Do-Nothing Democrats anyway.” Trump grumbled as he turned behind them. “I have my friend here, Mitch. How are you doing, pal?”

Mitch McConnell, who was stalking behind the three, looked at Trump with visceral disgust. “I hate you with every fiber of my being.” he seethed.

“Yet you voted to acquit anyway.” Trump teased. The two Republicans parted ways with the Democrats, walking in a slightly different direction. “Hey, do you remember when we were sitting in Putin’s newly-built palace, and he told me to tell Angela Merkel-”

As Trump’s voice faded away, Obama and Biden breathed a sigh of relief.

“He’s finally gone.” Biden declared.

“I’d take your boring awfulness and your hidden racism over his extreme awfulness and open racism anyday.” Obama remarked. The two walked up to President Andrew Jackson, who was guarding the gates of Hell.

“Welcome to Hell.” Jackson said, facing Biden first. “Joe Biden. You incarcerated thousands of black people with your Crime Bill, supported busing, and groped a variety of women. Head right on in.”

“Thank you.” Biden grumbled, before crossing the gate into hell.

“As for you.” Jackson said as he turned to Obama. “You used drones to kill hundreds of civilians in the Middle East and bailed out the bankers responsible for the Great Recession. Please, make yourself comfortable.”

Obama grinned as he walked into hell. It was a vast cavern - made out of a spiky crimson rock. Rivers of boiling blood and pools of molten sulfur dotted the landscape. Demons flew through the air, impaling anyone on spikes who looked at them wrong. To his side a gathering of poles sat in a wide field, with people tied to them getting whipped and burned alive by demons. In the distance a red palace stood tall, the residence of the King of Hell himself Satan, who he had known for the majority of his life as former President Richard Nixon. Obama laughed and began frollocking across the hellscape, laughing as he skipped past Heinrich Himmler and Lyndon Baines Johnson having coffee together, finally feeling like he was at home.

George W. Bush sprinted through the gates of hell, looking for someone. He stopped to give a double middle finger to John Kerry, before continuing on his search. He finally reached Richard Nixon’s palace, and entered through the ornate double doors.

George H.W. Bush sighed as Ronald Reagan continued to botch the response to the Capitol Battle. Suddenly, he heard a door open downstairs. That was normal, but he suddenly felt a strong urge to investigate.

“Ronald, I gotta go for a second,” he said, before descending the stairwell. He passed Alexander Haig, Spiro Agnew, and Gerald Ford, and reached the bottom of the large staircase.

“Son,” Bush senior stated matter-of-factly.

“Dad?” The former Supreme Chancellor asked.

“I thought Jeb would’ve ended up as the Supreme Leader of America, but you’re on top of your brother, as usual,” 41 commented.

“Jeb can’t be a school principal, let alone Supreme Leader,” 43 scoffed.

“Jeb did fine during his tenure as Governor of Florida,” Senior replied, looking at his watch.

“Greg, I need help with-” another voice began. Reagan stood at a landing of the staircase.

“Governor Bush, how did you get here?” Reagan continued, forgetting about his question.

“It’s not Gov-“ Bush Jr. began, but one again, the trio were interrupted.

“George W. Bush, I’ve been waiting for you,” Saddam Hussein growled, appearing behind W.

“Saddam!” Bush yelled, his body tensing up. He shifted into a defensive position as the Iraqi dictator walked up to him.

“Bush.” Hussein sneered. “Been a while, huh?”

“Sorry for taking all of your oil?” Bush said, unsure of himself.

Saddam snorted. “You’re lucky I’m under the command of the Lord of Hell.” he grumbled. “Come with me. He wants to see you.” 

40 and 41 stayed silent as 43 hesitantly followed after the dictator of Iraq. They walked down a long, ornate hallway, lined with pillars and statues of terrible people throughout history. Bush was looked down on by the large statues of Jefferson Davis, Ghengis Khan, Francisco Franco, Leopold II, and someone he vaguely recognized as the person who invented pineapple pizza. Finally, they reached the very end of the hall, where a tall gilded ruby door sat. Saddam opened it and let Bush through.

Jr. found himself standing at the entrance of a throne room. Armored guards stood to the side as a red carpet led down to the back of the chamber, where five thrones sat behind a small flight of stairs. The middle throne was taller than the other thrones - decorated with gold and accompanied with fire spewing out of the sides of the chair. The dark figure of Richard Nixon occupied the center throne - his signature scowl covering his face. Other people sat in the lesser thrones as well - including Judas Iscariot, Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, and Hirohito. Bush walked up to Nixon and bowed down to him.

“Bush.” Nixon scowled. “I must say, I am impressed.”

“What do you mean, Mr. President?” Bush questioned.

“You did away with the Constitution, established yourself as the absolute dictator of America, destroyed Congress, and eliminated the Democratic Party.” Nixon explained. “Something I never could’ve done.”

“Thank you, sir.” Bush said.

“However, you fell even faster than you rose,” That came from Hitler, who looked like he would rather be ordering the tortures of more damned souls than attending this meeting. “And you died from a pretzel, which doesn’t improve your situation,”

“Hey. I was also knocked out with a shoe.” Bush defended.

Hitler swore. 

“I say we have the demons torture him, for incompetence,” Hitler demanded to Nixon. The  _ Fuhrer  _ leaned back in his throne, which had a small Swastika-bearing eagle at the top of the back post.

“This is coming from you.” Hirohito yelled at Hitler. “If you had just listened to the 16-year-old history edgelords who play Hearts of Iron, then maybe we would’ve won the war.”

“Maybe if you wouldn’t have retreated as soon as you lost  _ one _ major battle in Mongolia, we could’ve defeated the Soviets!” Hitler replied.

Stalin looked at the two of them suspiciously, but didn’t comment.

“Silence, men.” Nixon sighed. “I should’ve never appointed the leaders of three warring nations onto the council at the same time.” He then turned to Iscariot, who had stayed silent throughout the entire debate. “What do you think, Judas?”

“I think the idea of a representative democracy is quite foolish. Back in Judaea, we just had Pilate as our governor and Tiberius as our Emperor, and that was it.” Judas sneered. “So I quite admire this man for restoring an autocracy to America.”

“I concur.” Nixon agreed. “While yes, your downfall was the most pathetic thing I’ve ever seen, I cannot let that one stain dampen your entire legacy.”

“Why didn’t you just use the force to unlodge the pretzel?” Stalin suddenly asked.

Bush chuckled nervously. “I...uh...um…”

The Council looked at him with raised eyebrows.

“It was poetic.” Bush finished. The leaders of hell looked at each other, nodding and expressing their agreement amongst themselves.

“That is true.” Hitler admitted. “Villains do need good death scenes.”

“Hey! I’m not a villain!” Bush cried, in anger.

All five of the council members burst out in laughter. 

“If you’re not a villain, I didn’t betray Jesus!” Judas howled.

Nixon wiped away his tears of laughter with a handkerchief. “Whatever.” the former President waved off. “Look, the point is, we wanted to recognize your great accomplishments. So we’re making you a secretary for your father.”

“What do I do?” Bush questioned.

“You give your daddy coffee and manage his phone calls.” Hirohito blurted. 

“Oh.” Bush breathed.

“Hey. Don’t get too disappointed.” Nixon continued. “If you do well enough, then we might fire Ronald Reagan and fill his position in with you.”

“I say we do it now.” Stalin declared. “He’s riddled with dementia and doesn’t even know where he is, or even  _ who _ he is half of the time. All he does is eat jelly beans and give money to the bourgeoisie.”

“Patience, Joe.” Richard consoled. “We first have to see if Junior here is as much of a bumbling idiot down here as he was when he was still alive.”

“What?” Bush questioned.

“Nothing.” Nixon muttered. “Saddam! Make sure 43 here goes on his merry way.” 

Hussein escorted Bush out of Satan’s throne room, past the place where his father was talking to other former figureheads of the Republican Party, and into a small cubicle in the corner of Nixon’s Palace. The workplace was already decorated for Bush, with pictures of oil fields, burned down mosques, and dead Iraqi civilians hanging on the walls.

“I wanted them to take down the photos, but  _ noooooo _ ! They had to make the new guy feel welcome.” Hussein mocked in a nasaly voice.

“You’ll win one day.” Bush remarked as he plopped onto his desk. After Saddam left Bush’s cubicle - cursing under his breath the whole way out - he turned to his computer and watched as news articles flew by. He clicked on one of them and found out that Liz and Dick Cheney had just annexed Canada and announced their plans for world domination.

Bush sighed and faced the window. He watched as a group of demons whipped Margaret Thatcher over and over again over a swamp of carnivorous plants and pools of burning oil. He sat back in his recliner and admired the scenery, breathing in the hot sulfuric fumes. Briefly, he thought back to where he was sulking in his ranch in Crawford a few days ago, dissatisfied and angry. He chuckled at his past self, and for the first time he felt a sense of happiness and belonging in the bowels of Hell.


End file.
